Step into my world at one time...

If you want a glimpse of what I and thousands of others went through in the religious cult we grew up in, read on. I can finally say that I'm FREE from it all and I got a tattoo to show the letting go & letting God and healing from it all. It's still very real today, the burdens and chains that imprison people that lived in this cult; it's real for the children that were taught it not just in church, but conferences and activities like vacation bible school but very different in most ways too and as well in the schooling. It was real for the parents too and the ones that have gotten out of it, KUDOS to them!! It's still heart breaking for A LOT of them to know that they were deceived in this cult and that it hurt their children more then they ever realized. There's a lot of the kids that resent their parents still and God and want nothing to do with God because of it. I can say that I still love God and still try to live my life according to how I believe GOD ONLY is leading me. No man over a cult or even the church, yes, even my Pastor. I listen to what my Pastor has to say but I still go home, after church and live my life how GOD is leading me, not my Pastor, whom I still have a lot of respect for, who he is as a Christian and a person and the leadership he does carry with him with the position in his church that he has... but he's not one I will ever worship like so many of us did while in the ATI program, towards Bill Gothard and others under him. I personally always had a weird feeling about the man and even though all of our parents looked up to him and others, there was something that felt very wrong about the him... something dark, almost satanic. I remember the last time I was near him at one of the Training Centers I worked at, he was quiet & calm and was trying to get me to talk to him but I didn't like him, never did and something in me, perhaps it was God speaking to me, I'll never know, told me to stay away from him and I'm glad I did. The blog below was well said, I couldn't of said it all better! http://redemptionpictures.com/2014/02/28/bill-gothard-homeschool-cult/

How Can You, God, be For Me?

The words from the chorus of the song called "You Are For Me" by Kari Jobe comes back to my memory from hearing it repeatedly over this past week due to putting it on repeat on the CD player in my vehicle. I can just hear those words that Kari Jobe sings, 

"I know that You are for me. I know that You are for me.
I know that You will never forsake me in my weakness.."
 I feel forsaken at times, especially when life is hard. But then yet again, I realize that the only reason *I* have those feelings is because *I* haven't spent that amazing one on one time in building my relationship with God. I've put Him on the back burner AGAIN. *SIGH* If I was as loyal in my relationship and friendship with God like I was with all my other friendships, we'd be best buds. "What keeps me from spending time with God?" I ask myself and respond with, "Time." Finding the time. Instead of spending it on playing pool, window shopping to pass time, Facebook, playing the piano or even cleaning/straightening up the house or doing the things I do that keeps me busy, not that those things are sinful or wrong, I could be spending time with Him. I think to myself, "IF only I was a early morning person..." or "If only I wasn't a procrastinator and better with my time..." Some of those things I can change, some I can not. I CAN change being better with my time and making the time to spend time with God. "Do I love God?" "Yes." "Do I try to please God with my life choices?" "Some days, yes. Other days, sometimes.." I wonder how God can be for me when I'm not always "for" Him? Questions that often go unanswered and consistently swarm through my mind each day.

"So faithful. So constant. So loving and so true. So powerful in all You do."

"So faithful."
"Why doesn't God just give up on me?" Thoughts swarm my mind again. "If I was Him, I'd of given up already and moved onto the next person."

 Christianity is based on faith, I believe. I have faith that God is Jesus and that He is the Messiah. I have faith that He can change me and others for the better. I have faith that God is my Creator. I have faith that one day I will meet Jesus face to face in Heaven. I have faith that He will never forsake me or leave me. I have faith that He'll always love me no matter what I do in life, good or bad. I have faith that He loves me for who I am, even though He may not always be happy with some of the choices I make in life. I have faith in my salvation.

"Since I have that faith, why do I struggle to be loyal to Him each day?" The hardest part about my relationship with Him now in my life is reading His Word. I find it dull and boring at times. I used to really enjoy reading but I don't anymore. "Any suggestions to spark the interest in reading the Bible more often?" I sometimes read daily devotionals but it's just not the same as God's Word. When I read daily devotionals, I feel like I'm drinking milk; when I read God's Word, I feel like I'm actually chewing on some tough meat. Haha, odd illustration to some, I'm sure.

"So constant." No matter what I'm going through in life, whether good or bad, He is always there, He is always constant. I couldn't get rid of Him if I wanted too. I'm glad too cause I couldn't make it in this horrible world without him. I don't understand how others that don't know Him make it out in this world. It fathoms my mind. If I didn't have God in my life, I'd be one hell of a wreck! I'd probably be anorexic still, a cutter, suicidal constantly, dealing with depression and severe anxiety as well as be very bitter. I don't deal with any of those things anymore thanks & all praise goes to God! I still deal with anxiety at times due to stress at work but I'm trying to work on it.

"So loving and so true." I feel like my love for others has died out. I never really had the opportunity to be out in the real world until I got my first job at a retail store, outside of my Nanny job and even at that time, I didn't see all the real ugliness in this world. I was so naive still. I have seen and lived around it and it's horrible. Even when I pray at times for God's love, the little I have, is sucked right out of me due to being repeatedly beaten down by followers of Satan I believe that he puts in our paths. It's tough when you have people like that at work that are your boss[es]. It seems like the more love I have for those I took care of, was taken away more from others that didn't give a shit about me or them; only about the more money they were getting filled into their pockets. Those type of people don't give a shit about anyone and doesn't have their employees backs. I try not to hate but I HATE greedy people especially those that should be more concerned about taking care of their patients and employees then giving us hardly any staff and working us like dogs. Their response? "Others did it before you, so why can't you?" Job threat, that's what that is..so what do we do? Keep our mouth shut and tread on, hoping that work will somehow ease up and maybe be a tad easier physically, mentally and emotionally. And some wonder why I've become more bitchy... haha. Went off on a rabbit trail there a tad bit. Back to being loving. I need God's love for others. I have it for Him, I do. I love God a lot... but I don't always show that I do. I don't deserve His love; very few do. Still, He loves us no matter what.

"So powerful in all You do." I have repeatedly seen God's power in my own life. Just by the things I've been able to overcome. I couldn't of done it without His help. The following is a short story. I saw the power in a Great Dane once. You could say it was just science and the dog's keen sensitivity that became aware of the tenseness & hostility coming from my ex, who was sitting across from me in my Counselor's office. The dog was sitting next to his owner, and after I came into the room & sat down across the room from my ex, without any command, the dog instantly stood up and walked slowly but surely to the middle of the space between my ex and I and sat down with his attention on both of us but on guard. I was shaking like a leaf; I was very, very anxious and as soon as that dog did that, I instantly calmed down. THAT was God's power that He decided to show in an animal that day.

"You fill me. You see me. You know my every move. You love for me to sing to You." Every time I spend time with God, whether it's reading His Word, praying, singing, signing a song or playing praise music on the piano to Him, my heart is filled. Knowing that God sees me in everything I do, makes me feel closer to Him and makes our relationship seem more real, even though I can't see Him, I can hear Him speak to me. He knows my every move; whatever I do, He knows about it. I'm not sure if He loves for me to sing to Him, cause my voice isn't one that anyone wants to hear, :) but I do enjoy singing to Him in the car and sometimes while washing the dishes [or in the shower]. :)


"So, how can You, God be for me?" My answer now: Perhaps, because He is my Creator and King and He loves me no matter what..plus I'm His child and do strive to be for Him.


This started out with me just writing at first, but then it became a devotional of my own time with God. Just thought I'd share.

Should You be Real to everyone, outside family [e.g. parents, siblings, etc.] OR Just to Yourself & Intermediate Family?

"Ever wondered how your friends & family would react if they knew certain private things about you that you have kept from them for years?"

 I asked this question earlier on my Facebook. Here's some of the feedback.

Rachel Humphrey: "Thankfully, that kind of honesty is allowed in my family and I don't feel the pressure to only show my perfect side that I used to. However, I've been doing a lot of thinking recently on how harmful it is to keep half of you hidden because you are afraid of the censure/disapproval etc you would receive if you were honest with people. Honesty is scary for both sides usually I think (imagine YOUR reaction if somebody really shocked you with something), but what do you really have relationally without being real?"

Me: "Very true. Honesty is allowed in my family as well but because of different "religious" or Christianity beliefs, one still might not be fully accepted. That is just my personal opinion. You'd probably hear differently from my family members. I learned a few years ago to be real and always hated when others, even myself at times were fake. Still, there are choices we make in our hearts years ago of who we are or want to be that we still keep silent about due to not wanting to loose relationships or be judged. Honesty can be scary for both sides, I agree with that. And have experienced both already. In answer to your question, I would think the answer is 'nothing.' Thank you for sharing your thoughts!"

Peter Baehr: "It really depends how you go about it. Sharing your struggles can be uplifting and bring family members closer. Sharing your failures, however, can seriously backfire. If people aren't part of the problem or the solution, then there's no need to bring them down. I guess it depends on your motive for doing that too. If it's to reconcile with people you care about, that's awesome. If it's self-serving, "getting it off my chest" by dumping volatile information out there, then no. I find it's better to change behavior than apologize for your feelings. "I want to invest more in our relationship" is going to go much farther than "I have to confess, I've always hated you." "

Holly Miller: "its definitely to be hoped that even if they don't approve, your family will still accept things about you even if they don't agree. Thats how mine is, at least :)"

Me: "Thank you, Peter for your thoughts as well. It has helped me think about what I wrote above in a different light. What if you want those that are closest to you to know about something about yourself because you don't want to be fake and want to just be real with them about who you really are? Even if it hurts them, shouldn't they still know about it? If it's shared with no pride or without an arrogant attitude and with only sincerity & a genuine heart, then isn't it ok to be open about it?"

Maria Shexnayder: "I will just answer 'yes' to your question. It's hard to divulge almost anything to my parents, since they are not really invested in who I am as a person, beyond what THEY want me to be. But there are certain things you should share and others you should keep to yourself. It is up to the individual to discern when they should be open and where they should be discreet. Everyone is different. :) Be yourself and don't let others opinions let you shy away from being your own person whatever that may be."

I liked everything everyone had to say and told them so. What are your thoughts to my first question at the top of this page?